Toolys Jokes.Laugh go on, I dare ya

Period.

A primary school class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "Its a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said five pounds. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty nasty stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "thats not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the womans husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmers son the boy replied "Wagon Wheel". The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son"...to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really". The teacher in a huff..said.. "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the headmasters office THIS minute!!!!" The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said.. "Come on, Chicken Shit he aint gonna believe YOU, neither !"

A woman in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon for a consultation. "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts. " Then she replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies" "Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?" "Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket. The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?" "Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey. "That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?" With that the guy flips a pound coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy. "That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?" "Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

Three couples want to join a church. They all talk to the Priest to see what must be done in order to be accepted. He says, You must go without sex for three weeks. Each couple agrees. Three weeks later all the couples return. Father says to the first couple, "How did you do?" "Oh, Father," they replied "We did fine. We've been married for twenty years! We're used to be going without sex." "Very good." says the father, "Welcome to my church." He then asks the second couple how they did. "It was kind of hard, Father. We've gone up to two weeks without it, but never three. Somehow we managed though." "Good, Welcome to my church," he says. "Well?" he turns to the third couple. "Oh, Father! We did fine up until this morning! We were at breakfast and my wife bent over to retrieve her napkin and I just had to do her right then and there!" "I'm sorry" says the pastor, " You are no longer allowed in my church." "That's okay," says the wife. "We're not allowed at that restaurant anymore either."

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

There is a priest who is summoned by the archbishop. He had to leave for several days. So he looked for a priest to fill in for him in the confession box. He called every priest he knew. None were available. He finally called a Rabbi. The Rabbi said "I don't know, our religions are very different." The priest said "It's okay you line the sin up with the punishment on this chart." The rabbi gave in and decided to fill in. The next few days the rabbi listened to confessions and helped the people. The third day a man came in and said"Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: How have you sinned?" Person: I had anal sex." The rabbi was stumped for that sin was not on the chart. So the rabbi asked the man to wait. The rabbi asked everyone what the punishment was for anal sex. Finally the altar boy walked in. The rabbi asked what does the father give you for anal sex? The altar boy replied "Usually two cookies and a glass of milk."

Jonny goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jonny, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles round the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jonny asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jonny thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation Jonny was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jonny unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jonny replied, with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my arse!."

Tarzan One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex."What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick, right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for squirrels!" said Tarzan.

A guy comes up to a farmer and says,"I bet you Ł100 that I can make your horse laugh." The farmer accepts the offer. A few minutes later, the farmer walks around to the back of his house, and the guy has the horse laughing hysterically. When they get back around front, the guy says,"I'll go bet you another Ł100 that I can make the horse cry." The farmer accepts the bet. A few minutes later, the farmer walks around to the back of his house, and the horse is crying like a baby. As the farmer pays the guy, he asks,"How did you make my horse laugh and cry like that?" The guy replys,"First I told your horse that my dick was bigger than his...then I showed him."